Solitude

Some prayers that I have been making over the past 2 weeks

God, can you please,

"Let us lights out earlier
Send some clouds so that the weather will not be that hot
Let the rain not come
Please keep the wild boar away
Can you please make this day end quickly
Can I not get confined
Can you please make me less irritated with that person"

And the list goes on and on.

This past 2 weeks have really been a true test of my character both outwardly and inwardly. I wouldn't waste time trying to pretend that I've been a really great salt and light as a Christian in camp. How many times have I refused to help someone that was in need during difficult times? Or take into account the fact that I couldn't be bothered with how others were faring as long as my welfare was ensured? This is just merely the tip of the ice berg.

Every day, as I lie on my bed (or whatever that was my bed that particular night) I would reflect and evaluate my life and I would realise that once again I've failed God's test. It doesn't matter whether I failed it badly or I just feel to make the cut. Actually, you can't measure it this way. It's still a FAIL.

To end of a slow and difficult week, I got additional confinement for the entire Saturday. How fitting it is that perhaps the most powerful God-moment that I was to realise and to eventually appreciate should come on a Saturday night when I'm stuck in camp. Tekong is particularly peaceful when you are confined. Having so much time, I decided to spend solitude time with God.

In solitude, I laid aside the things of the world and with that, nothing defines who I am, just me, my sinfulness, my desire or lack of desire for God.

As I desired, I prayed. I repented and I made a certain few promises to God.

As John Ortberg wrote,

"The ending of the movie Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. The dwarfs gave their home and risked their lives for this foolish girl who eats the forbidden fruit and falls asleep and breaks their heart. And then the prince comes and awakens her with a kiss and she runs off with him without her regret. That was her destiny.

And that is ours too. Each of us has tasted the forbidden fruit. We have all eaten the apple. We have all fallen under the curse. We are in fact, in a kind of living death.

But still the Prince comes, to bring freedom from the curse, life from death. Still the Prince comes, to kiss his bride. And every once in a while, somebody, somewhere, wakes up. And when that happens- that's life."

I don't want to live in this personalized dream any longer. A life to the fullest.

What's Your Take?

I seem to be forever sleepy whether I'm in camp or I'm out of camp. So much for 7 hours of undisturbed rest.

I asked myself this question in camp recently "Has my spiritual life been going well over this past few weeks?" The first and natural answer would definitely be yes. That was indeed my answer. After all, I had been spending regular time with God, praying and even journalling consistently and regularly.

How wrong I was. I had totally missed the point. A consistent reading of the Bible, daily prayer or even daily journalling does not determine how well a person is doing spiritually. Don't get me wrong, all this actions are perfectly great, they are definite essentials if one wants to experience God to the fullest. However, all this essentials merely empowers one to enter into God's presence.

"Have I grown in love for God and for people?" If I haven't been able to love people and most importantly love God more, then my spiritual life definitely has not been going well. If I fail to love, then no matter what I do, I haven't grown much.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.